Somedays I wake teary eyed for no apparent reason. As tendrils of sleep slowly relinquish their hold upon me, I rise and try to shake of the odd sense of disconnect I feel and go about my day, with tears dance dangerously on the brims of my eyes. There is no real reason why I should feel this way, but I do. In moments when I have company, I am decidedly normal, happy even. But in those moments when I’m alone, I feel the burden of a life that is not my own. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s close: I have a degree from one of the most prestigious universities in the world, I have a loving family, a gorgeous cat, I have great friends, I regularly feast on my mum’s delectable cooking, yet for some inexplicable reason ever so often I have these days when tears well up, and in some secluded corner of the house I weep for something that I can’t describe.
In times like these, I think of one of my closest friends. He wrestled with depression for years as life threw hurdle after hurdle at him. Whenever he spoke to me, I’d see pain and self-loathing in his amber eyes. His life, as he spoke of it, was living hell. Days would go by unmarked in his dark, shuttered room. Anger would bubble dangerously close to the surface of his cheerful façade. Today he stands having survived it all, having overcome everything, showing a rare strength and compassion as he talks of the ordeal he experienced.
His problems were real, and he both suffered and overcame a great deal. I would say my own issues are petty in comparison, but truly, I have none to speak of. It frightens me how much these momentary bouts of despair affect me, especially since there is no real source for it.
These periods are unpleasant for me, but equally if not more so, for those who surround me, for what begins as sensations of hollow loneliness, quickly translates into irritation, then rage, and finally hysterics.
In an attempt to ease the struggle to stay afloat when the pent up waves of misery hit, I have begun to dabble in mindfulness and meditation. Today, I worked on colouring a mandala that I once began but had since abandoned. It isn’t finished, isn’t very pretty, but it felt good to focus so intently on colouring in between the lines that I thought of little else.
Another thing I plan to start doing to keep myself grounded is a variation on the Gratitude Journal I once kept. Instead of scribbling a few words into a journal every morning, I’m going to tweet the things that I’m grateful to the universe for, not only will tweeting it keep me accountable, hopefully it’ll remind anyone who sees it to take a moment and centre themselves. I’ll be tweeting with the #GratitudeTweets, you can find my links to my Twitter feed in the sidebar or by clicking here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, writing this out took a load of my shoulders, thank you for letting me share that burden with you.
I would love to know how you deal with days when you’re miserable.
Wishing you peace and love,